On a plane
“You want more peanuts? …And to spend your life with me?”
If she says “Ne,” be prepared to spend the next 2 to god knows how many hours in unparalleled awkward airspace.
In the Rain
“Come closer to me. No, closer…so you’re fully under the umbrella; your back is getting wet.”
Sounds romantic, sure, but even if things go well, you’re all wet afterwards. Then what? If they go south, then you’re not only soggy, you’re despondent, too.
In a Bar
“Awesome, they’re playing Journey! Oh, also, wanna get hitched?”
Ok, maybe this is where you met… but getting down on one knee on a grubby bar floor, while strangers bottoms are directly in your grill and rowdy degenerates do Fireball shots is not exactly the memory you should be going for.
In the Delivery Room
“Push, honey! Oh, by the way…”
Not cool. You had weeks, nay, months, to ask her, and you think that this is suddenly the right time? When a woman is undergoing the most excruciating pain of her lifetime is probably not the best time to ask her ANYTHING.
In a Car (Backseat)
“My dear, will you …pull that safety belt out from under my rear?”
The subconscious implication is that you are going to start a cramped, uncomfortable life together. Also it’s assumed that intercourse is mandatory here; awkward, high school style intercourse.
At a Fast Food Joint
“Would you like fries with that…and a biggie engagement ring?”
Even in an ironic way, this isn’t cute. No restaurants with the words: “Big, King, Mc-, or -inos” are even remotely acceptable. Or anywhere where your food comes on a tray, or you order into a clown’s mouth.
On Live TV
“Will you marry me? Don’t worry: no pressure.”
Think this is a genius idea? Really? With scores of people watching what should be a very personal moment? Please watch the following events unfold in real time as all the evidence you should need to see just how horribly wrong this can go:
Food Court in the Mall
“Baby, nothing’s too good for you. Go grab us a seat that’s not too close to the bathrooms, I have something I wanna ask you.”
Aside from the extremely obvious reasons why this is despicable, this could happen:
At a Funeral
“Well, the priest is already here…”
Unless you’re Will Ferrell’s character in “Wedding Crashers,” you should just know better. While grief may be “the ultimate aphrodisiac,” you’ll obviously come off as the ultimate sleaze ball with this move.
A Motel Room – that has hourly rates
“Honey, will you…wait, let me first put a few more quarters in the vibrating bed.”
A luxurious hotel with impeccable service and spacious rooms with stunning decor and soft linens – that could just work. A flea ridden motel where people come to cheat on their spouses with inexpensive sex workers – not so much.
At an Interactive Play/Comedy Club
“Comin’ up to the stage: oh no, not again…”
It may seem like a super fun, creative idea, but it’s beyond cheesy and a million other “inventive” shlubs have done it before. Also, if she says no, just pray to the gods old and new that you have a forgiving/supportive audience. Getting heckled after receiving the biggest rejection of your life sounds a tad bit like the most traumatizing thing ever.
Just watch this colossal fail:
On Social Media
“I <3 U! Will U— wait, don’t block me.”
Nothing says ‘I love you – and BOY am I lazy’ than a Facebook post, Tweet, or Instagram pic used in lieu of actual human interaction to propose. Social media was designed so you don’t have to actually talk to people. Not the best forum for starting a life together.
At a Casino
“Come on, red! Daddy needs a new pair of…life partners.”
Whether you’re in an extra fancy resort with high rollers strolling about, or a dilapidated old Vegas swill hole filled with chain-smoking senior citizens cashing in their security checks, any place known for losing your kid’s college tuition and for prostitutes trolling around is the antithesis of class. Please don’t bet on this venue.
On Valentine’s Day
“Can you guess what’s in this box?? Oh. You can.”
Wal, K, or ANY Kind of Mart
“Hun, hand me that 24 pack of toilet paper and marry me.”
Yes, they are quite spacious and a great place to get deals. Yes, they have become American institutions. Yes, they provide a sense of familiarity and comfort. Yet, one question remains: Are you out of your mind?
The Empire State Building
“Hey, I can see Port Authority from here! …Are you thinking what I’m thinking??”
Cliché. Also the place where a gargantuan gorilla was shot down with airplane gunfire doesn’t quite scream romance.
“SWEETIE-“ “WHAT?” “WILL YOU-“ “WHAT?!?”
Tandem skydiving, parasailing, bungee jumping and the like can be a very fun activity for a couple to enjoy together. Asking her to spend her life with you while you plummet from the sky? Not exactly what every little girl dreams about. Plus if you drop the ring…
On the Jumbo-tron at a Sporting Event
“He shoots, he SCORES! Speaking of scoring…”
Not sure why people are so tempted to broadcast their proposals to massive crowds of gawking onlookers, but it keeps happening. Still think this is the clever and exhilarating option for you? Please watch this:
The Grand Canyon
“Wow, this is majestic and HUGE. That reminds me…”
Sounds good on paper, but consider this: it goes SO well, that she is so overcome with raw emotion…she falls in.
You never can be too careful.
If you don’t heed our advice and you still attempt to woo your betrothed at any of these verboten locations, you most likely will have an unneeded diamond ring on your hands. Do yourself a favor and let Diamond Lighthouse sell it for you. You’ll have the most money you could possibly get back; enough to start fresh and begin wooing someone entirely new. Learn more here.