All right. Okay. Deep breath…
Here’s the deal: you met, sparks flew, you realized you like the same movies and gum flavors, you were introduced to each other’s doting/quirky parents, you spent a weekend in Paris without a single kerfuffle and you both enjoy that new Rihanna song. Naturally, you decided it was time to get married. So when you proposed to her/he proposed to you, it was no surprise that an ebullient “yes!” erupted forth. Everything was right with the world. And then…something happened. Either you woke up one day and the snoring, drooling face of your betrothed made you suddenly cringe with disgust, you saw them sneeze (while naked) or you just vehemently hate their new perfume/cologne so much that you hope they fall in a well. Either way: ppfffttt – the spark went out…permanently.
Well, you were madly in love with this person at one juncture, so you’re not going to just dump them via text. You need a way to sensitively and compassionately relay the sad news that you can no longer spend your life with them. Now, you can either summon the courage to tell them the truth in as non-debilitating a manner as possible, or… fabricate a tale of such monumental wonder they will have no choice but to accept the crushing verdict, while you escape with a virtually clean and guilt-free conscious. Pick one of the following that best suits your personality: (or maybe even a zesty medley of excuses!)
1 – Fake your own death
This really isn’t as complicated as the movies make it out to be. All you need to do is find a recently deceased body of roughly the same dimensions as yourself, put it in your clothes, add other identifying items, place it in the front seat of a vehicle, light said vehicle ablaze and then send it careering off a mountainside. Violà. You now cease to be. Just make sure you relocate to a foreign land remote enough that even vacationing friends/relatives won’t spot you. Oh, also you’ll need a new, phony passport; just ask your sketchy cousin “Randy” if he can help you with that. Soon you’ll be anonymously sipping coconut drinks on a beach in Belize or manning an oil rig on the Caspian Sea. Totally up to you.
2 – Fake being drafted into the military/really get drafted into the military
Look, everyone supports the troops. If you don’t, you’re basically a communist. Your (former) flame will not be able to accuse you of relationship malfeasance if you proudly don a uniform (if you look especially good in white, pick Naval) and promptly ship out. Even if you do enlist for real, it will be better than having to fight the ne’er-ending war at home…
3 – Find religion
If you and your beau have lead a fairly secular lifestyle, the moment you find _____, everything will change. Odds are that they will no longer want to be in close proximity with a bible thumping/torah touting/krishna quoting person, let alone marry them. Discover some version of the lord and find your pious freedom.
*Fun variation: join a cult.
4 – Pursue your “art”
Regardless of whether or not you are expected to be the primary breadwinner, if you suddenly quit your corporate job to become a pottery maker/Pollack-esque paint splatterer/illustrator specializing in squirrel portraits, your partner will raise quite the eyebrow. The further ensconced and passionate you become in your alleged art endeavor, the more irked your partner will become. When you hint that maybe they don’t fully support your dream, they will become defensive and possibly hostile. Then you can shift the blame on to them and they will gratefully end things. Win. Now, Van Gogh get ‘em.
5 – Gender-swap
It may seem a little cliché to do this one right on the high heels of Caitlyn Jenner’s emergence, but it will be effective nonetheless. If your boo just doesn’t take the bait and thinks you are bluffing (or is actually delightfully surprised by this new turn of events), then just give it to ‘em straight: you want out so bad you’re willing to…remove things. They’ll get the message.
6 – Get kidnapped
Staging a kidnapping is a piece of (non wedding) cake. All you need are a few willing accomplices to participate in order for this to go smoothly. Just have them pull up (preferably in a windowless van) on you and your special one while you stroll home together one night (the fewer witnesses, the better). Your pals then pop a bag over your head, toss you in the van, and speed away. Your dumbfounded lover will most likely attempt to find you, but will inevitably give up after a few weeks/months/years. Either way, they will eventually move on – all without you having to see that sad break-up look on their sullen face!
7 – Alien abduction (aka: get kidnapped, version 2)
Believe it or not, but people get abducted by aliens all the time (about 2.5% of the population claim to have been probed). If you are lucky enough to get selected to join a cadre of alien visitors on their nifty spaceship, even if only for a few hours, you will never be the same. You can start acting extremely odd, and it will be totally justified. Your spouse-to-be may even be quite freaked out by the whole thing and just call it off, fearing you will only be able to produce green offspring, etc.
No matter how you choose to end things, either by the conventional means of “having a break-up talk,” or by one of the colorful and inventive ones detailed above, if you end up in possession of the engagement ring, you’re going to want to get rid of it. It’s only going to provide hurtful memories (or potentially damning evidence if you create a new identity). Why not sell that engagement ring for the most money you could ever dream up? If it features a diamond, bring it to Diamond Lighthouse. We will light your way to a dramatically high price. Once you sell that unneeded diamond engagement ring, you can then use the cash to move on with your life – either in the emotional sense, or in the hiding-out-in-Manitoba-forever one.