There is undoubtedly a plethora of articles out there (on the wild wild web) which give solid and sound advice on how to cope with break-ups and move on in a mature and emotionally sound manner.
This is not one of those articles.
While some people may tell you to ‘think about the future,’ about ‘what’s next,’ who’s to say that it’s not just as ‘healthy’ (…or morbidly satisfying) to dwell on the past, to really luxuriate in every painful, heart-wrenching moment, and to dream up new ways to make your ex-partner seethe with jealousy? Here is a fairly thorough list of marvelous methods and spurious schemes that you can employ to pull your former flame into a web of personal turmoil and regret.
(If you have any other inventively insidious ideas, please comment!)
Photo Fun Bonanza
So, we’ve finally identified the real purpose of social media. It is the perfect outlet to post pictures of yourself having SO much fun, with all manner of cool, exhilarating (and possibly new) “friends”/potential lovers. The goal is that your ex then views these titillating pics and feels instantly envious of your exciting experiences while they sit home alone in their underwear gorging themselves on Cheetos and Haagen Dazs, whist “marathoning” some insipid Netflix show. Make sure your photos always showcase you with a radiant smile on your face, in as many electrifying places as you can drum up. That said, you don’t want to have pics where you are aggressively making out with some sexy stranger, though; that just comes off as ostentatiously sad. Just the hint of a new beau, vaguely situated somewhere in the photo (or, the insinuation that this person is the one taking the picture) will do the trick. The unknown is always more frightening (and annoying) than facing full-on reality.
The Glorious Grapevine
Simply hearing about how splendrous your post-them life is will really irk your ex. If you have mutual friends (who are more in your corner than your ex’s) that can relay messages of your newfound liberation, happiness and utter love of existence (even if none of these things are actually occurring) to your preterite sweetie, then this step will be a piece of cake. The challenge comes when you no longer have a direct or even tangential line of communication to your ex. How in the heck are you going to rub it in their faces that you are more jovial than you’ve ever been? Easy. You just need to start a blog. Similar to an Instagram account stuffed with joyous pictures, a blog is another great way to relate your new tales of wonder and bliss, but now with ever so potent words. The best part? You can make it all up! While a picture usually needs some semblance of truth to convey your glee (unless you are a master at staging faux gaiety), a well crafted blog post can express sundry magical journeys and emotions like no other medium. Or, if you’re fairly adept with a video camera, combine both methods of voicing your exultation into one: a vibrant and secretly villainous vlog.
C’mon, Get Healthy
What’s the one thing you want to do after you get dumped? Why, eat a eat Krispy Kremes until you can’t buckle your pants anymore. Most counselors would tell you that this is not a good way to approach emotional recovery; that you should take care of your physical health in order to benefit your mental health. Well, they are right, but for the wrong reasons. Now is the time to shun all fat, carbs, gluten or anything else that tastes good and attack the gym like Rocky did in every single Rocky movie (except Rocky 3, that was just awful). You must shed any extra poundage and get yourself in ship-shape condition. Next, it’s off to the most expensive salons you can unearth, for a full body everything. You need to look your absolute BEST, so the next time your ex encounters you (or even a grainy tagged photo of you), you look so stunning that they all but weep, throw themselves to the filthy sidewalk and beg forgiveness for their foolhardy ways. Truly much more satisfying than any Snickers bar.
The Ring’s the Thing
Now, this one requires a bit of patience. Timing truly is everything here; if you show up too soon with a colossal rock or gleaming gold band on that deliciously conspicuous left ring finger, you’re going to look desperate and weird. Wait about ten months (this way it won’t look like you did it in order to supersede any sort of illegitimate pregnancy), and then don that symbolic ring of beautiful betrothal with flare! Once you do this, you won’t even need to force this information on your ex – news of it will just spread like wildfire. The best part of this maneuver? That’s right, you guessed it: you don’t even need to be dating anyone. The ring alone conveys volumes of devastatingly delectable information.
(*Once this diamond ring has worn out it’s usefulness, rather than toss it into the recycling bin, feel free to let diamondlighthouse.com recover the highest amount of cash for it, for you. This further explained here.)
Ok… Perhaps some of these measures seem a tad extreme. Ultimately, it’s up to you exactly how you want to make you ex jealous, envious or agitated. The most important thing to realize is that your happiness is of ut most importance, whether it’s genuine or simply fabricated for the sake of a Pinterest post.