“Ok, honey, time to get in the car and shlep six hours up to Schenectady to sit in uncomfortable silence with my anal retentive parents…what’s the hold up?!”
That’s right: you’ll never have to hear a delightful phrase like that ever again. Ever.
Yes, you can breathe a massive sigh of relief this year; you will not have to spend one iota of your precious time with the dreaded “in-laws.” But that’s not the only reason why it’s super-amazing-awesome to be ‘divorced during the holidays’ (which, granted, sounds like a failed Hallmark Channel movie). Here’s a baker’s dozen of the most festive reasons why it’s going to ho-ho-hopefully be the best holiday season yet.
1) No one will judge you silently (or extremely vocally) if you have 8 delicious (and potent) egg nogs in a row.
2) You don’t have to leave several hints, clues and out right “get me this specific thing” notes in order to get the present that you want…and then ultimately have them say “Wait, I could’ve sworn you said you really wanted a Shake Weight?”
3) There will be no obligatory purchases made of socks, toothpaste, toenail clippers and various other Dollar Store items needed to fill up a floppy stocking.
4) You will not be forced to attend your spouse’s holiday work party, where several of their halitosis plagued co-workers will try to conveniently wedge themselves between you and a plastic piece of mistletoe, hung with no care.
5) No one will judge you silently (or extremely vocally) if you have 9 delicious (and potent) rum cakes in a row.
6) If they are the religious one, you don’t have to feign interest/stay awake for a preacher/rabbi/non-denominational pagan priestess’s sermon/fable/poetry-slam on the true meaning of the holiday. If you’re the religious one, you can listen to this dithyramb in peace, without having to look over and see them eye-rolling/yawning/crying.
7) You can finally attend your friend’s “ugly holiday sweater” party without being overly criticized for spending $39.99 on a sweater that showcases a breakdancing Rudolph wearing sunglasses which says “Yule Love It, Dude” that you (hopefully) shan’t wear ever again.
8) You don’t have to pretend to enjoy the “figgy pudding” their aunt sent to you via the USPS, that was inedible well before it went sour sitting in the back of a phlegmatic postal truck for days.
9) You won’t have to bite your tongue as they squeeze your poor pet into some restrictive, holiday themed turtleneck or snowman outfit, as it looks imploringly at you with its morose eyes, silently begging “Please kill me.”
10) No fabricated explanation of why you are headed to the “store” on December 26th to “pick up some things…” need be given when you are blatantly just returning whatever atrocious gift they got you before it goes on a final sale of 90% off, and you can only exchange it for a Single Port USB Car Charger.
11) You don’t have to listen to their favorite holiday classic album on repeat, whether it’s Alvin and the Chipmunks squealing with overly saccharine, brain hemorrhaging glee, or the New Kid’s On The Block rockin’ a “Funky, Funky Christmas.”
12) When the ball finally drops on New Year’s Eve, and everyone else is lovingly kissing, you will not be mid-argument about who’s turn it is to put out the recycling tomorrow (like the past 4 consecutive blissful years).
Diamond Lighthouse wishes every one a joyous holiday season, and a happy new life.